Pre-Op, Day 14 (Another realization!)

Good Morning! What a weekend! Emotions were all over the place. I really struggled! Saturday was the worst. I did my 2 shakes throughout the day and was starving! By the time supper came around, I was a crying ninny! I couldn't help it. I had a realization again! What was it? Well, okay, I'll lay it out on the table. I've never really gone a long period, on multiple days and weeks were I have felt deprived...were I felt very hungry and wasn't able to satisfy it. And that wasn't my only realization! I also figured out that I am quite an emotional person when I am hungry...I mean really hungry! And at this point, when I actually get real, textured food in my tummy...no matter what it is (because I could almost eat anything when I get to my breaking point)....a sense of calm and happiness comes over me. I'm no longer irrational! 

Saturday...oh it was hard! By 4 p.m., I was mentally exhausted. Once again, I was thinking why am I doing this to myself and it's only going to get worse. Once I have surgery, it will be at least 7 weeks until I can have real textured food. I play this game with myself nearly every day now. Game! That's not a good word. Let's say, I'm constantly having to tell myself why this is so important and what it will mean to me next summer when I'm eating normal foods just in smaller amounts and feeling satisfied.

I was so hungry and so sad and I was holding the tears back. I just couldn't cook supper for my family! I asked my hubby if he would get something for him and our son to eat out. They decided they wanted Pizza Hut pizza and Root Beer. He ordered extra so that it would last them a couple of days...since he could see how I was not handling, not eating so good! ;(  I was okay with that...I even welcomed it because I knew if I had to cook something savory for them and I had to eat a piece of fish and spinach that I would be beside myself. Then IT happened!!!! The pizza came...along with the smells and my mouth watering. I couldn't help myself...no, I didn't eat the pizza...I busted out crying. I had to go back to the bedroom and lay down. My poor hubby and son...they felt terrible! I hope I didn't ruin it for them. Did I say this is sooooo hard? Yes, I was having a moment of sheer self pity! After a little while I got up and fixed my fish and spinach. It wasn't pizza but it was FOOD! I started to feel better and wasn't feeling like poor me anymore. 

Because of this and the fact that my weight loss is at a standstill! I've decided that I may start doing a shake in the morning, then real food for lunch, then a shake at night. I think maybe getting something substantial in my tummy half way through the day will help with not feeling as if I'm starving by evening time and then it won't be such a big deal to just drink my shake in the evening. Also, I'm thinking that if I don't have my supper sitting in me all night that maybe my body will burn more. I don't know...I've been eating less than 600-700 calories a day and my weight is not budging. I'm so convinced that my scale isn't working but my husband thinks I'm just in a stall and in a couple of days it will show 5 pounds gone. I hope so!

I hope that all of you are handling this better than me. We can do this and we will! Have a great day!